After a devastating loss, such as a divorce or breakup, death of a loved one, or being let go from a job, a range of emotions can be experienced. Most common are feelings of fear, uncertainty, guilt, shame, and grief. These situations can also result in parents feeling like a failure as a mom or dad, which often leads to greater feelings of shame.
We all struggle with guilt when we have done something wrong. Guilt is thinking. “I made a mistake” which focuses on the behavior and can be seen as a life lesson, something to learn from that can help with understanding what to do differently next time.
Shame goes much deeper, because it creates the thought “I am a mistake” which entails the fear that something is inherently wrong within and creates a sense of hopelessness or brokenness.
It’s as painful as any physical injury and is a universal and normal human emotion. When we are silent and keep our issues and negative circumstances in the dark, shame thrives and gets stronger within us. To counteract this effect, it’s important to talk about what is going on with trustworthy people who are compassionate. Shame tends to vanish once it is exposed.
Whether you are talking about your shame or dealing with being alone or having to start over in any area of life, vulnerability is created. Vulnerability is feeling open to emotional exposure, criticism, or judgement.
Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, as some are taught. Often to avoid this misconception of appearing weak to others, situations or mistakes are hidden. It actually takes strength and courage to be open about unfavorable life circumstances. It is important to find the guts to put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking for help, and to seek support, encouragement and counsel. Trying to go it alone to avoid judgement or criticism is not helpful.
When we feel shame, we mistakenly think that we’re the only ones in the world struggling. We assign the false premise that there is something very wrong going on at our core. The reality is that you are not the only one. Everyone has experiences with loss, whether it’s loss of health, relationships, income or some aspect of stability, no one escapes the ever-present flow of life change.
Trying to communicate when you feel shame is a difficult thing to do, especially when you’re too upset, frustrated, taken aback or angry to truly express how you feel. Being open about your feelings, whether it’s embarrassment, guilt or shame, helps us to sort out what is going on within and clarify what we want and ask for what we need.
This is not to be confused with creating a post about it on social media. That is not considered an act of honesty or bravery. Reaching out to an individual and asking them if they can get together to listen to you verbally discuss what is going on, that is true vulnerability.
When we put our fear of exposure aside and share our circumstances, it gives us the opportunity to connect with another person and to hear that they can relate to our stories, and with this understanding, we force shame out of hiding and end the silent suffering.
The people who successfully recover from experiences that can cause a sense of shame have several things in common:
• They acknowledge the problem
• They seek professional help and utilize available resources
• They seek personal support by talking about it with people who care about them
• They work through the need to keep things a secret and are accepting of and admit that they’re experiencing the feelings that commonly accompany loss
• They choose to look at their experience as having meaning and purpose
• They develop their own set of spiritual practices, whatever that may be for them, and engage in them on a regular basis
Unpleasant feelings such as shame are normal human emotions. Criticizing yourself and judging the feeling is what creates an unhealthy experience and often prolongs the emotion. Acknowledgement, acceptance and allowing are key in giving shame the permission to quickly run its course and then be released.
For additional resources on this subject check out books by Brene Brown. She is the author of I Thought it was Just Me which discusses shame and Gifts of Imperfection which zeros in on vulnerability.