I had a client ask me the other day what the difference is between negative self-talk and trying to direct herself to be better?
The answer is it depends on the intention behind it and how you approach it.
Is the approach one of judgment and criticism?
Is the focus on the negative emotional reaction and pointing out what went wrong?
Or ignoring that and instead focusing on what to do differently that creates a positive emotional response for next time.
I talk a lot about being intentional and setting intentions. However, it does appear to be a confusing concept.
My yoga instructor will often tell us at the beginning of class to set our intentions, either while on the yoga mat or for the day.
One day after class a fellow classmate told me that she can’t seem to do the balance poses. She said she can do them at home on her own, but when in the yoga studio, she is wobbly and stumbles all over the place.
My reply was to make sure she used the intention setting at the beginning of class to help. She became frustrated and said “I must not know what that means, because I always say to myself that I don’t want to fall, but I still do!”
Later, I thought about how that differed from my intention at the beginning of class, which is to have balance and flexibility, both on and off the yoga mat.
If I had more time during our conversation out in the parking lot, as we approached our cars, I would have explained the difference. Maybe even would have given her the precise words: “I intend to experience balance in this class today. I want to feel grounded and steady.”
Setting an intention is identifying what you desire in a clear and positive way. The best intentions call forth a rewarding solution with no mention of problems, only a successful outcome.
Now getting back to the question from my client. It would be considered negative self-talk when the intention behind it is to point out the problems and what she is doing wrong. For example, if she were to tell herself to stop worrying and complaining and to not be such a crybaby.
Being very intentional about directing yourself to be better by only focusing on the positive changes is clearly different than negative self-talk. This approach influences the use of a supportive and kind tone, while giving directions to be better in those emotional and challenging moments.
For example, having the thoughts to take a quiet moment for deep breaths and calming down, taking a step back. Giving permission to pause and clear the mind.
Setting the daily intention each morning to be more kind and loving, tends to inspire and invoke the words that align with that intention.
Even if you forget to do this at the beginning of the day or a particular segment of the day. It’s never too late to stop what you are doing, if things seem to be going in the wrong direction, then set an intention for the activity to go smoothly and to be happy with the end result.
One more tip: only focus on your feelings and your behaviors, not on how you want others to be.
Intention setting is a very powerful practice that sets a person up for having a positive experience regardless of the situation.